May the next 14 years be more about HIM and less about me

As I celebrate 14 years of being cancer free this year, I look back and notice an important role so many have played in my life. Some are family, some I have picked up along the way and others have been newly invested friendships that are just beginning. Each one has had an impact on my life.  I am a better woman because I have been surrounded by you. Each of you has spent time and effort lifting me up and adding to my full life that I have lived. May 10^th may always be just another day to some but for me that was the day my life truly began again.  5 years, 10 years and now at almost 15 years I have survived. I have survived many of things but the thing I treasure the most are that my friendships have survived with me.  Many of you have endured the countless surgeries, rehabilitations and those awful crutches and leg braces or the sleepless nights of infomercials I am so notorious for. Lets not forget the tragic task of getting me inside the back seat of a car!

Time changes people, relationships, and even friendships.  The older I get I realize it is not about the quantity but the quality. I learned some hard lessons those early years in my teens. I was hurt, I was disappointed and rejected. I felt that made my 20s even more special because I learned what it was like to be a friend and what it truly means to be a friend to others. Selfless love; giving even when the person could not ever repay you.  What not to do what I should do and when I need to just keep my mouth shut. Hard lessons.   Approaching my 30s and I will reach the half-way point. I will have had “survivor” after my name as long as I had lived a healthy life before cancer. Before my new normal before my world was forever changed. I may be a survivor and beat cancer but I live with a daily reminder of what I have overcome and where I have been.

 That is a lot like my Christian walk. I have hurt, disappointed and rejected God. I have learned hard lessons. My walk with God these past few years has changed and grown far beyond anything I have ever expected. I know HIM.I know he is for me. I have a hunger I never experienced before. But I have a daily reminder of where my heart use to be and how I have come so far and how I never ever want to go back to the person I use to be. My heart was hardened and cold. God has shown his love to me; Selfless love. The type of love given to me so undeserving and I have no way to ever repay the gifts he has given me.

 Yes, I am a survivor in so many ways.  To survive means.

To carry on despite hardships or trauma; persevere

To live, persist, or remain usable through.

I have carried on, I have persevered and I want to remain usable by God.  So, thank you. Thank you for being a friend to me; For loving me through those hard, cold times and also sharing in so many happy memories.  Thank you for the new relationships that have come into my life. As iron sharpens iron so do your relationships stretch, strengthen and mold my Christian walk. Old and New, young or old each of you have and continue to play a part in my life. So here is to 14 years and many more! May the next 14 years be more about HIM and less about me.  

Last but not least to my mother. I know mother’s day has past but I don’t think there is ever just one day we want our children to express gratitude so here you go.  I would absolutely not be here today if it was not for your utter selfless service all those years. You have put in the time, you have sacrificed and you have ran this race with me! From start to finish there has not been a day you have not cried, prayed and poured into my life.  If I become half the mother and women of God you have been I will feel accomplished.  You are the constant in my life and the source of so much encouragement. Many jewels for your crown and my love tank is overflowing tonight from all the love you have shown me. Thank you.

Sprint for Cancer

I DID IT!!

After 15 years I finally was able to FINISH the race.

A few weeks ago I participated in a 5k run benefiting Young Texans Against Cancer. They were donating all the money to Camp iHope! Natually, I wanted this to be my first race to attempt in all these years because the money was going to a cause very near and dear to my heart! My family all came out to participate and support this amazing cause. I was actually able to run across the finish line pushing my neice in her stroller and watch as my son ran his first 5k and cross the finish line! My brother and nephew both placed 1st in their age divisions and my sister placed 2nd in her division! It was such an emotional day I didn't think it could have gotten better but it did!! We were able to raise $30,000.00 to go towards Camp iHope this summer! So thankful and happy that I was able to finish the race I started so long ago! I feel things have come full circle.

Family

Just wanted to share my little family.  My how the years have flown by! Our litte man is getting so big! Where did the time go? My brother got married not to long ago and the photographer snapped this picture at the end of the night and I thought I would share!

Photo Credit: StoryImages Photography

If I Die Young.

From the first time I heard If I Die Young by The Band Perry I felt such strong emotions. I couldn’t quite place why I was so responsive to a song but I began to REALLY listen to the lyrics and try and get a feel for what the song was really saying.  In the first verse it has a line “the sharp knife of a short life.”  Wow, this could not be truer about those who have lost their battle with childhood cancer. That knife cuts deep and those left behind to grieve, will never fully recover.  The whole first verse goes like this:

{Lord, make me a rainbow; I’ll shine down on my mother

 She’ll know I’m safe with you when she stands under my colors

 Life aint always what you think it ought to be, aint even gray but she buries her baby

The sharp knife, of a short life. I’ve had just enough time. }

Survivor’s guilt is something that I think every cancer survivor deals with in their own way.  There are so many unanswered questions when it comes to cancer. Why is probably the most common word used. Most sentences start with this word.

Why did I get cancer?

Why haven’t we found a cure?

Why did I live and someone else with the same cancer die?

Why am I not able to have kids and others are?

Why do all my dreams have to be crushed?

Why didn’t the doctors catch the cancer sooner?

Why can’t my friends and family understand what I’m really going through?

Why do I feel so alone?

Why am I suffering?

WHY DO I HAVE TO DIE?

You get my point. The questions are endless.  Why: An adverb used to ask or talk about the reason, purpose or cause of something.  I think every cancer patient wants to know what caused their cancer or talk about the reason they got cancer. There has to be a purpose for all this suffering. I think WHY and CANCER goes hand in hand.  I wish I had all the answers to the Whys of cancer.  I think about my friend Vanessa often and wonder why she had to die and why I lived. She was the person who got me the best.  We were partners in crime and had more things in common than any other person in my life. We were fighters, struggling day to day just to survive.  She lost her battle all too soon. That sharp knife of a short life will follow me till the day that I die. She was the first friend I had ever lost. Death became real to me after she passed away; she would be the first of 5 that I would outlive. How do you deal with that? What do you say to the grieving mother of your friend you have just lost? I can only imagine the emotions they feel when looking at me.  No 16 year old should feel guilty for simply being alive. BUT I DID.