Trust In You

   





I love this song. It is a great reminder.

Camp iHope 2014

CAMP iHOPE 2014

Sprint For Cancer- Superhero Style

We did it again!! Another successful year with Sprint for Cancer 5k/10k run benefiting Camp iHope. This has become a tradition now with my family. We had a slightly smaller crew this year but still had a crazy good time! We raised over $35,000 thanks to Young Texans Against Cancer. They donated all the money that was raised through the race to Camp iHope. I can not say enough good things about camp. This money will help so much! We are 18 days away and I am getting so excited!! Thankful we are able to raise the funds every year to host over 100 kiddos for the week. Changing lives one child at a time.                            Here are a few pictures from the race. This years theme is Superheros!

"Though You Slay Me"

I have probably watched this video about 20 times on and off. Just wanted to share. I have never felt that God gave me cancer or any other struggle I have dealt with in my life. I do believe he used those situations for His glory. I feel he is still using it to not only work in my life but others as well. Some days have been intense. I have felt close to the ledge and wondered if I would ever recover. I just knew this would surely break me. BUT-- it didn't. God is good. No matter what my life looks like here on earth. This remains the same; God is Good.

Press into Him.  "Though You Slay Me...still I will worship..."  that phrase I have cried out many times in my life. Though my life may seem to much and my burden too heavy I will call upon your name Lord.

Super Sunday

I wanted to share a few photos of me and the boys from the past few months! We are gearing up for the Super Bowl this weekend! We are a football family and I wouldn't have it any other way. Wishing our Steelers were playing this weekend but it is still going to be a great game. Time keeps ticking on and these boys are getting older by the second. Our oldest celebrated his 13th birthday and our baby turned 6 this month! What the what?! 6 years old and 13? When did this happen?  Sure do love them!

  

Go Gold

September is Childhood Cancer Awareness month! Spread the word. Let's GO GOLD in September like October goes pink.

News Story on Camp iHope

Camp iHope was on the news! Here is the interview by CBS on camp. Check out my pink wig! lol http://dfw.cbslocal.com/video/9032210-camp-ihope/

Camp iHope 2013

It has been a few weeks since Camp and I still catch myself sometimes singing

"and we form the orange. form. form. the orange."

Oh Camp songs.

We had another successful year at Camp iHope! I am so thankful to be apart of such an amazing little family. This was a tough year with several of our campers losing their fight with cancer and others having to start the fight all over again. This part is never easy.

 In spite of many of our campers dealing with tough health issues we were able to all pull together and have one amazing week of camp! We saw old friends and made many more new friends. I had a lot of the same girls I have had for a few years now and we always have so much to laugh about! These girls keep me on my toes and make me feel like the funniest person ever! haha My famous flamingos returned for another year and the pranks began! Of course I couldn't leave my friends at home so my trusty wigs made the journey with me. These girls LOVE my trunk full of wigs, costumes and odds and ends. The last night we spent two hours doing improv. LOVED IT! Many memories!

I am amazed at how many people give a week of their life to come and work hard, have fun and serve these kids in so many ways! People ask me all the time if it is hard volunteering at a cancer camp? I don't really look at it as a "cancer camp". I go to a camp that happens to have kids who have had cancer. For some you would have a hard time even picking out the children who have had cancer. We focus on having FUN for a week. If cancer comes up, it comes up but for these kids it is all about hanging out with friends.

Looking forward to next summer and hoping the husband will be able to join me and see what takes me away from home for a week every year. Counting down the days until my boys are old enough to join as well. Serving as a family...now THAT would make this mama HAPPY!

If you are interested and want to know more about this AWESOME camp I am always talking about go to http://campihope.com/index.html .We are always looking for people to join our family and if you would like to help send a camper to camp you can find out more information as well on our website!

Cindy and I take our annual photo from camp!

May the next 14 years be more about HIM and less about me

As I celebrate 14 years of being cancer free this year, I look back and notice an important role so many have played in my life. Some are family, some I have picked up along the way and others have been newly invested friendships that are just beginning. Each one has had an impact on my life.  I am a better woman because I have been surrounded by you. Each of you has spent time and effort lifting me up and adding to my full life that I have lived. May 10^th may always be just another day to some but for me that was the day my life truly began again.  5 years, 10 years and now at almost 15 years I have survived. I have survived many of things but the thing I treasure the most are that my friendships have survived with me.  Many of you have endured the countless surgeries, rehabilitations and those awful crutches and leg braces or the sleepless nights of infomercials I am so notorious for. Lets not forget the tragic task of getting me inside the back seat of a car!

Time changes people, relationships, and even friendships.  The older I get I realize it is not about the quantity but the quality. I learned some hard lessons those early years in my teens. I was hurt, I was disappointed and rejected. I felt that made my 20s even more special because I learned what it was like to be a friend and what it truly means to be a friend to others. Selfless love; giving even when the person could not ever repay you.  What not to do what I should do and when I need to just keep my mouth shut. Hard lessons.   Approaching my 30s and I will reach the half-way point. I will have had “survivor” after my name as long as I had lived a healthy life before cancer. Before my new normal before my world was forever changed. I may be a survivor and beat cancer but I live with a daily reminder of what I have overcome and where I have been.

 That is a lot like my Christian walk. I have hurt, disappointed and rejected God. I have learned hard lessons. My walk with God these past few years has changed and grown far beyond anything I have ever expected. I know HIM.I know he is for me. I have a hunger I never experienced before. But I have a daily reminder of where my heart use to be and how I have come so far and how I never ever want to go back to the person I use to be. My heart was hardened and cold. God has shown his love to me; Selfless love. The type of love given to me so undeserving and I have no way to ever repay the gifts he has given me.

 Yes, I am a survivor in so many ways.  To survive means.

To carry on despite hardships or trauma; persevere

To live, persist, or remain usable through.

I have carried on, I have persevered and I want to remain usable by God.  So, thank you. Thank you for being a friend to me; For loving me through those hard, cold times and also sharing in so many happy memories.  Thank you for the new relationships that have come into my life. As iron sharpens iron so do your relationships stretch, strengthen and mold my Christian walk. Old and New, young or old each of you have and continue to play a part in my life. So here is to 14 years and many more! May the next 14 years be more about HIM and less about me.  

Last but not least to my mother. I know mother’s day has past but I don’t think there is ever just one day we want our children to express gratitude so here you go.  I would absolutely not be here today if it was not for your utter selfless service all those years. You have put in the time, you have sacrificed and you have ran this race with me! From start to finish there has not been a day you have not cried, prayed and poured into my life.  If I become half the mother and women of God you have been I will feel accomplished.  You are the constant in my life and the source of so much encouragement. Many jewels for your crown and my love tank is overflowing tonight from all the love you have shown me. Thank you.

Sprint for Cancer

I DID IT!!

After 15 years I finally was able to FINISH the race.

A few weeks ago I participated in a 5k run benefiting Young Texans Against Cancer. They were donating all the money to Camp iHope! Natually, I wanted this to be my first race to attempt in all these years because the money was going to a cause very near and dear to my heart! My family all came out to participate and support this amazing cause. I was actually able to run across the finish line pushing my neice in her stroller and watch as my son ran his first 5k and cross the finish line! My brother and nephew both placed 1st in their age divisions and my sister placed 2nd in her division! It was such an emotional day I didn't think it could have gotten better but it did!! We were able to raise $30,000.00 to go towards Camp iHope this summer! So thankful and happy that I was able to finish the race I started so long ago! I feel things have come full circle.

Family

Just wanted to share my little family.  My how the years have flown by! Our litte man is getting so big! Where did the time go? My brother got married not to long ago and the photographer snapped this picture at the end of the night and I thought I would share!

Photo Credit: StoryImages Photography

If I Die Young.

From the first time I heard If I Die Young by The Band Perry I felt such strong emotions. I couldn’t quite place why I was so responsive to a song but I began to REALLY listen to the lyrics and try and get a feel for what the song was really saying.  In the first verse it has a line “the sharp knife of a short life.”  Wow, this could not be truer about those who have lost their battle with childhood cancer. That knife cuts deep and those left behind to grieve, will never fully recover.  The whole first verse goes like this:

{Lord, make me a rainbow; I’ll shine down on my mother

 She’ll know I’m safe with you when she stands under my colors

 Life aint always what you think it ought to be, aint even gray but she buries her baby

The sharp knife, of a short life. I’ve had just enough time. }

Survivor’s guilt is something that I think every cancer survivor deals with in their own way.  There are so many unanswered questions when it comes to cancer. Why is probably the most common word used. Most sentences start with this word.

Why did I get cancer?

Why haven’t we found a cure?

Why did I live and someone else with the same cancer die?

Why am I not able to have kids and others are?

Why do all my dreams have to be crushed?

Why didn’t the doctors catch the cancer sooner?

Why can’t my friends and family understand what I’m really going through?

Why do I feel so alone?

Why am I suffering?

WHY DO I HAVE TO DIE?

You get my point. The questions are endless.  Why: An adverb used to ask or talk about the reason, purpose or cause of something.  I think every cancer patient wants to know what caused their cancer or talk about the reason they got cancer. There has to be a purpose for all this suffering. I think WHY and CANCER goes hand in hand.  I wish I had all the answers to the Whys of cancer.  I think about my friend Vanessa often and wonder why she had to die and why I lived. She was the person who got me the best.  We were partners in crime and had more things in common than any other person in my life. We were fighters, struggling day to day just to survive.  She lost her battle all too soon. That sharp knife of a short life will follow me till the day that I die. She was the first friend I had ever lost. Death became real to me after she passed away; she would be the first of 5 that I would outlive. How do you deal with that? What do you say to the grieving mother of your friend you have just lost? I can only imagine the emotions they feel when looking at me.  No 16 year old should feel guilty for simply being alive. BUT I DID.

I will restore your tired soul

 I woke up this morning with a HUGE weight lifted off my shoulders. I have been carrying around this heaviness for a few weeks and it has just seemed to all be too much. I have spent the past week at the feet of Jesus and crying out for renewal, strength and comfort. Life can get so overwhelming and as a christian I sometimes get distracted by the weight of the world and those impossible standards.

I have felt him answer so many of my prayers this past week or so. All in his timing and to be honest I wished they would have come sooner but like my last post; there is something in the waiting....

I have done this study before by Angela Thomas but I felt it is one that I need to do again.

In one of the sessions it talks about how we have all cried out to God asking, " Do you know that I am worn out?" This is what she wrote in response to that cry....

"Do you know that I AM your God who does not grow weary? My worn-out daughter, lift up your eyes to the hills and see that your help comes from Me, the One who made you. I AM the Maker of heaven and earth. I AM He, the One who will not let your foot slip. I will watch over you, and I will not slumber while you sleep. No, I will neither slumber nor sleep whether you wake or sleep.

I will refresh your tired body, and I will restore your tired soul. Come and wait for Me so that I can give you fresh strength. I want you to run and not become weary, walk and not be faint.

Follow the model of My Son, Jesus. Learn to take time for your soul. Wear His yoke, not this world's. Keep a Sabbath day to refresh your body, spirit and soul.

You are my brave beloved, and I AM your God who does not grow weary." - Angela Thomas  Brave


What a powerful reminder of who God is to His children. It is just what I needed to hear! Take the time to refresh my soul. If you have not checked any of her books you should! Another good one is Do you know who I AM? By far my favorite! Enjoy!

.

Until Something Else Happens

wait·ing

/ˈwātiNG/

Noun The action of staying where one is or delaying action until a particular time or until something else happens.   UNTIL SOMETHING ELSE HAPPENS.     That is the kicker. Every person at one time or another has had to wait. Wait for the call on a new job. A new house.  A baby.Waiting is inevitable. Waiting for test results on your health can be torture. You are waiting for that SOMETHING ELSE. You can make a plan once you know. You can prepare, regroup and attack whatever the news brings; once you know. Not knowing is a terrible place to be.   This Monday brings many hours of waiting for some people in my life. While I have been in that seat of waiting on test results and running through every scenario in my head; I sit and wait today on news for someone else. My heart breaks for several friends in that waiting period today. A new diagnosis to relapse they are all waiting. Cancer knows no age bracket and several are childhood cancers and several are adults. Each are waiting on those words: All Clear or You have cancer.   I remember that drive. I was pissed off because I was missing a big volleyball tournament and I distinctly remember saying, "This BETTER be big because I missing a very important volleyball game." In my defense I was 15 and being dramatic and well, it was big alright. I had a call waiting for me when I got home that said I MIGHT have cancer but I needed more tests and was referred to a specialist for that Monday. That was a long week but a whirlwind all at the same time.   X-rays on a Saturday.   Tests all day Monday.   Biopsy Tuesday.   Chemo started Thursday.   Life involves alot of waiting. I think that sometimes it is what we do while we are waiting that can prepare us for the road ahead. John Waller has a song out called While I'm Waiting and part of the lyrics read: "I will move ahead, bold and confident Taking every step in obedience While I'm waiting I will serve You While I'm waiting I will worship While I'm waiting I will not faint I'll be running the race Even while I wait"   Those are powerful words.   Even in the midst of waiting, wondering and in those hard times; God remains the same. No matter what this waiting period brings we are to move ahead bold and confident. Psalm 34:18 "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Cancer can crush your spirit and leave you with emptiness and heartache in an instant. But God promised to be close to us during those times. Even in the waiting.   So as this Monday drags on for those in my life and I can become overwhelmed with feeling helpless; I pray. Praying for comfort in this until the something else happens phase. I am praying for peace, strength and encouragement. I know this road. I have been through this race. I have survived.     For whatever lies ahead; Give them endurance.

The Year of the 30

Well, Hello 2013!!

When did you get here?

 Many changes for our family this year! Not only will I celebrate turning 30 this year, It will also mark 15 years since I was diagnosed! My little baby boy turns 5 and if that wasn't enough for one year my step son will become a TEENAGER!!

Wow.

Let this roller coaster of year begin!

Thank you for being a part of this journey and reading my blog! We are approaching 10,000 hits and that is more then I ever imagined when I started writing. Thank you for your emails, comments and support! I have heard from people all over the world and feel so humbled that my story has touched so many. I am hoping to write more often this year so keep checking back!

-Tiffany

Hope Now

This is a song by Addison Road- Hope Now.

Jeremiah 29:11
¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future

Listen.

Enjoy..

Around The World..In Minutes

I was checking my email tonight and felt extremely overwhelmed. Not in the tired worn out sense but just an overwhelming sense of responsibility. In a good way of course. My words have made a difference. The thoughts and ramblings in the wee hours of the night have somehow reached all the way around the world and touched someone else's life. I have responded to emails in countries I could never have imagined so many years ago!

The year was 1998 and I was newly diognoised and had this deep need to find anything I could on osteosarcoma. I searched and searched the World Wide Web for any and all that had to do with my type of cancer. Google was not what it is today and trying to find some shred of hope among all the websites of dogs having osteosarcoma was a little discouraging to say the least. I wanted a face to go with a statistic. I wanted someone who had been down the road I was traveling to tell me that everything was going to be ok. I was going to make it. I wasn't just a number and another tragedy of a childhood stolen far too early. Those desires so many years ago has been what started ialwayswantedtoshavemyhead.blogspot.com.  

I have been writing for my blog for over 2 years now and 10,000 views are rapidly approaching. I receive more and more emails from other patients and survivors both young and old; I can’t help but feel so humbled.  I truly feel God has given me a voice or in this case a gift of writing for a purpose.  Cancer can be such a heavy load to carry.  No one can truly understand the weight of the world you feel on your shoulders unless you have been there.  My hope is to help carry that weight so that no one has to feel alone in this battle. Through my words, I have been able to lighten that load. It truly is humbling. I am praying for what God has in store for this blog in the coming year. I want to continue to make a difference.

I vowed many years ago that I would not let this fight be in vein. I would make it count. 

Here is to making it count!

Tiffany

Mama's Boy

Oh my sweet baby boy. He is the light of my life and the source of so much joy and laughter in our house. BUT we are in the pushing boundaries phase right now and he is pushing me right out!!

This tired worn out mama can only hope and pray..(lots of prayers) that everything I am doing now is shaping and molding baby boy to be a strong man of God with true character.

Being a mother to boys takes a certain type of women. I feel I was made to be a mom to boys. I don't know bows or anything about french braids. BUT...

I know football teams.
I catch the winning touchdown
I can wrestle. (and still win)
Don't test me because I can stand my ground with the best of them!
I believe " No blood? You are good!" is a good motto to have.
A little dirt never hurt!
I build forts
Superheros live in our house
I may have jumped on the couch to escape the lava a time or two
I can build a volcano
I am strong

I feel like you have to be strong in order to survive boyhood! Mothers play such an important role with their sons. They teach them so much about life.  The first relationship a boy will ever have with a women is with his mother. That bond has a direct relation to how he treats a women later on in life. "It is far better to raise children then to repair broken men."  I have no idea who that quote is by but it is SO true. I am hoping to raise sons that know how to treat a women. That pattern starts now at a young age. I pray I am planting the seeds in them to be men of courage. I have this scripture up in their bathroom and I hope they remember it always.


"Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong. Do everything in love."       1 Corinthians 16:13-14


Baby Boy
 

Superheros



Brothers
 



A constant in a world full of variables

 

Is it October already?!

I still am in shock that it has already been a year since my unexpected full knee replacement. September 26th of last year I went into surgery expecting just a "tune up". Recovery time minimal and I would only be down two weeks. When I woke up, they told me I had a FULL knee replacement. My doctor said he was amazed at how I had been walking around. When they opened me up my old replacement literally crumbled off onto the table. CRAZY!! I mean, it was 12 years old but still. So, they did a full blown knee replacement last fall. Fast forward a year later and I am fully recovered and feeling so much better! Life full of work, laundry and cleaning can continue!

I remember how hard it was last year, not only on me, but for my family as well. When I am down things start to fall apart! Not that I am this awesome superwomen and the world would stop if I wasn't in it! BUT, I am MOM. As with any household mom's tend to keep "the world as we know it" going.

So, last year our world was not only stopped but turned upside down and backwards. We had just switched schools with our youngest. Not only was that a transition for him but for us as well. I felt like I dropped him off in August and didn't go back until November; Terrible. A year later he is THRIVING!! God has answered so many of my prayers for him! He is such a bright kid and is almost too aware of his surroundings at times. So with mom being sick and "having a broke leg" he almost suffered along with me. He was 3 and didn't understand why I couldn't make that long trek up the stairs and put him to bed. He didn't want grandma then, he wanted his mama. Broke my heart to hear him scream, "JUST BE MY MOTHER!". Hurts just writing those words even now. Every day he would come home from school and climb onto the couch with me and ask if my leg felt better. Even now there are times when I walk he asks me if my leg is ok. Such a sweet boy who loves his mama!

I know that being a childhood cancer survivor has a price. I was a child going through cancer. That was rough. No child should EVER have to endure what I have lived through. But cancer at any stage in life is tough. I know I didn't have to do chemo or radiation last year but I did have traumatic surgery and issues similar to what I went through at 15. Both were devastating but having been through this as a mother now, I felt the weight of my world crumbling just like my replacement. I wasn't a child just concerned with myself. I was a wife, a mother and a survivor; People depending on me. I was beyond blessed to have family and friends step up to the plate and carry the weight of MY world on their shoulders. I could not have made it through this past year without every single one of you!

With October being Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I wanted to give a shout out to all those who have carried the burden of cancer while having people depend on you. Cancer takes a toll on not only the patient but the family and friends surrounding them. I applaud every caretaker who tirelessly drives to and from treatments or who takes the kids, makes the meals, and does laundry or dishes. To the person who has that shoulder to cry on or makes inappropriate jokes to bring laughter when eyes are too dry to cry. To the friends  and family who show support in all the ups and downs- your constant, in a world full of variables, is invaluable. THANK YOU. It could not be done without you.

A New Zeal For Life

I have never taken vitamins. When I say never I mean I would pump my body full of chemo before taking echinacea drops my mom would try to give me. Terrible and makes no sense, I know. I was a child then and felt like I had no control over anything else. So, I fought tooth and nail to go in the opposite direction. Fast forward over a decade later and I am learning more and more every day how important it is to take care of this tired, worn out body of mine. I am nearing my 30's and understanding how important it is to stay healthy. I have battled side effects from cancer for almost half my life now. The struggle is daily. When I say that I have found something I believe is life changing for me, I mean it.

I started taking Zeal a few weeks ago. I am a big skeptic and have never been one to jump on the bandwagon for every vitamin weight loss or natural energy booster that comes along. It was a slow process for me and I had my doubts. Some friends introduced me to Zeal for Life and said just try it. Try it for a couple days then stop taking it. You will see the difference for yourself. Every day I noticed little changes. As the days went on I began to focus better, have more energy and the every day sluggish feeling was completely gone.

The biggest change came after being on Zeal for over 2 weeks. I began to see improvement in my leg. Now, when I tell you this I say it with every ounce of truth and sincerity in my body. My pain in my leg has DRASTICALLY changed. Those of you who have known me for years know that I have battled leg pain for years. Nothing has helped. I have been on and off of pain meds for well over a decade. I have tried everything under the sun to help just get through the day.  I lowered the amount of medication I have taken to almost nothing now. I am still weening myself down but I have every bit of faith that I will be pain med/Tylenol free eventually!! This is huge for me. I have talked about this battle with my leg in other posts trading my sorrows or you calm my raging sea. It was an every day struggle. Being a mother to boys keeps me busy. It is hard not being able to keep up on most days. Let along try and work on top of being a wife and mother. My mind was telling me one thing but my body prevented me from doing so many things my heart longed to do.  I am not saying that I have been cured. I am not saying that I still might not have days without pain. What I am saying is that I believe 100% in this product. Not from just what others have seen but what I have witnessed myself. If it was just on the fact alone that this product prevented me from having to take pain meds for the rest of my life I would take it. BUT it is so much more then that.

"Zeal Wellness is an all-in-one natural nutritional blend of whole food concentrates. An excellent source of antioxidants and vitamins, it works immediately to neutralize free radicals and strengthen and repair cells. Zeal has well over 100 essential nutrients including nutritional superstars such as rice bran and aloe vera that work synergistically to Enrich, Restore and Protect your body. These extraordinary whole food and plant extracts have been brought together into a unique, all-in-one wellness formula of vital nutrients to support your immune system."

I am very excited to start on this new journey with Zeal and see how it will change the lives of others. From high blood pressure, high cholesterol to even nerve damage. If you would like to know more about this Zeal for life you can go to my website: http://tiffanytaylor.zealforlife.com/the_zeal_wellness_story or contact me through my email at tiffanyjaynes00@aol.com. I would be glad to send you some samples to try for yourself. No pressure, no sales pitch. Just try it. It has changed my life and I know it will change yours!