Trading My Sorrows

I know I have been slacking on my blog. So much is going on I feel like I haven't had time to just sit and have my own thoughts! We just bought our first home so the past two months have been filled with loan applications, packing, moving, unpacking and getting things settled! Whew! Makes me tired just thinking about it! My leg is paying for it that's for sure! Seems I can't stay off it long enough to get the swelling to stay down. Now that things are slowing down for a little bit maybe the increased pain will start to die down. I hope! Every night my leg aches. :-( I guess this is the price I pay to have my replacement. I often wonder what my life would have been like if I had it amputated. I know that’s a weird thought to have, but there was a time during my rehabilitation, I would have welcomed an amputation, the pain was so bad. I am so thankful my parents didn’t listen to the cries of a delusional 15 year old.  I am so thankful to have my leg still functional and not have to worry about a whole new set of problems, but there are bad days that have me discouraged and frustrated with the limitations.

 These past few days have been rough. I have been going non-stop with the move, work and chasing a 3 year old around. This morning was tough because T wanted me to carry him into school. This is something I normally do every morning. It’s hard, but I just deal long enough to make that long trek to his class and give him hugs and kisses goodbye for the day. This morning was a different story. My leg has really been aching and almost to the point of not being able to walk. I need to take a day to just let it elevate but no such luck with my busy schedule! So, T and I are making our way into school and he is desperately crying wanting me to hold him. He’s yelling, “Hold you, Mama, hold you!” My heart hurts almost as much as my leg at this point. How do you explain to a 3 year old that you can’t physically do what they are asking? I kept telling him no and walked with him at and around my feet the whole way in, almost tripping a few times. At one point I say, “My leg is hurting, honey, I can’t hold you!” He proceeds to tell me, “No, my leg hurts mama! You hold me!” These are the days that make being a mom challenging for me. He is growing up and at the stage of almost being too big for me to scoop up or chase after if he is trying to get away. I love being a mother. I feel that I was made to be T’s mother but how can I be the best mother I can be if I feel so broken? The older he gets more active he will become and I am so scared of the day he really understand how limited I am.

As thankful as I am, I wonder what life would be like with two able legs instead of one. Is this horrible thing to wonder? The double amputee may say I’d kill for one good leg, the amputee may say the same about the knee replacement, and so on. I know I am blessed beyond measure, but I think I am allowed a few bad days every now and then, right? God has blessed my life in so many ways. I trust he will get me through my “rough” days and keep pressing on! When I was in treatment the worship leader at our church gave me a Darrell Evans cd. One Sunday he sang the song, Trading My Sorrows, for me. This song came to mind today.

I'm trading my sorrow
I'm trading my shame
I'm laying it down for the joy of the Lord

I'm trading my sickness
I'm trading my pain
I'm laying it down for the joy of the Lord

Chorus:
And we say yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord
Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord
Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord Amen

I'm pressed but not crushed persecuted not abandoned
Struck down but not destroyed
I'm blessed beyond the curse for his promise will endure
And his joy's gonna be my strength

Though the sorrow may last for the night
His joy comes with the morning

 Tomorrow is another day and a very important day at that! I will wake up and go about my day just like anyone else, except, with a lil swagger!