Vanessa, I remember.

Being 15 is rough on a good day.

Having CANCER is grueling all on its own.

We needed each other like we needed a cure for cancer. Not only were we at a rough age but we were fighting to survive as well.  My life was forever changed by Vanessa, many years have passed and while some might have moved on and forgotten; I will never forget. This is her story.

Vanessa was 15 and loved soccer as much as I loved running. So when she started complaining of back pain it was easy for everyone to just assume it was a muscle strain or from working out too hard. If it had not been for the persistence and mother’s intuition she probably would not have caught the tumor that was wrapped around her spine at all. She was diagnosed with a sarcoma about a month prior to mine.

I will never forget the first time I met Vanessa at the hospital. The doctors loved to introduce all the teenagers and try and encourage a newly diagnosed patient with someone who “knows the ropes”. Vanessa came bouncing into my room, #610. I loved this room. It had a wall of windows and was a corner room. I guess if you had to spend weeks on end in the hospital THIS would be the room you would want to be stuck in! We started with the usual small talk and quickly found we had similar interests. During the course of the conversation she was telling me about her protocol and how things were going with her treatment, all I could think about was her long beautiful hair. I began to think of my own locks and decided I just had to know. So I asked, “Um, when do you lose your hair?” Without missing a beat Vanessa whips off her wig, with a big smile on her face she says, “I already did!” I had no idea and she was quite proud I hadn’t noticed! We laughed about that day for months.

Crazy how small the world is, really. I wouldn’t find out till I am sitting at her bedside a year or so later that we actually had a mutual childhood friend. 7 years prior, Vanessa and I had crossed paths at my friend’s house next door. Who knew that after playing Barbie’s together that day we would eventually be laying in a hospital bed side by side fighting for our lives.

We only knew each other for a short time but we will forever be connected. She was my best friend and the only person at that time that knew exactly what I was feeling. We were both 15, we lived for sports and all we wanted was to be able to get our driver’s license. I remember her being so mad at me because I was turning 16 before her!  We would sit and talk for hours while in the hospital. We were partners in crime and I actually started looking forward to the trips to the hospital if I knew we were on the same treatment that week.

When Vanessa’s cancer came back, it was like a ton of bricks were laid across my shoulders. How was this happening? We were supposed to be beat this thing together! How could we do that when I was getting better and Vanessa was on a steady decline? My heart ached for my friend.  Her tumors were infesting her body faster than her shot immune system could fight them off. The doctors tried everything. It just was too late and too strong. I remember when they informed me she was going to be on hospice, my heart hurt because I knew what that meant.

The day my parents came and picked me up from school early, I knew something was wrong. They told me that Vanessa was not doing so well and we needed to go see her. We had to hurry, she was holding on for me they said. I was the one who was supposed to tell her it was ok to go.  That we will all be ok, she doesn’t have to be strong anymore. “NO, it’s not ok to go! I don’t want you to go! I need my partner in crime! You can’t leave me here to fight this alone!” This is what my heart cried out to say, but the words never left my mouth. I watched her breathing; slowly in and out. I sat there in silence for a while. It was just her and I with so many things I wanted to say.  The lifeless body lying before me was not the vibrate Vanessa I had come to know. I was too young to have to deal with this! She was too young to have to die! So, I took a deep breath and just started talking. I told her things I had never told anyone before. I let her know that she was truly loved and that her family was going to miss her but that it was ok to stop fighting. She had fought the good fight and now it was time to rest.  I told her I would see her again and I promised to beat this cancer for her. I cried and said my last goodbye and walked out of the room.  Vanessa died just a few hours later. I miss her so much and some days the survivor’s guilt overwhelms me. I wonder what her life would have been like had she survived. Would she be married and having babies by now? Would our kids have grown up together? I know you shouldn’t play the “what if” game but it is hard not to wonder. 

Her funeral was one of the hardest days of my life.  I had never really lost a friend like that before. I was dealing with my own demons of life, death and everything in between. Not only was I coming to grips with the loss but also the reality that this disease might actually kill me too. I would watch 4 more friends be buried over the next years.  With each one the memories of the last would come flooding back.  Something you never quite recover from.

I still think of Vanessa often. My son started soccer this year and she is never far from my mind as I watch him play. She would be proud. Her short life touched so many. With my 12 year anniversary of being cancer free approaching, I have been thinking back on my journey to bring me to where I am today.  I miss you Vanessa! I hope these words are not forgotten and you live on even after I am too old to write of how amazing you truly were.