Laughing through it all

In every person’s life there are defining moments. For some, these moments come later on in life, leaving time to be young and carefree. For me, it came August 24, 1998. I was 15 years old and had just started my freshman year of high school and I had cancer. I’ll never forget that day as long as I live.

I have endured more disappointment, fear, hurt and pain then I would wish on anyone. But, during those years of being in the hospital I also experienced love, joy, healing friendship and laughter. Our bodies have this unique power to self-preserve. There are so many memories that I have from that time in my life. Some of those memories are bad, horrible and downright shattering but I have so many that I look back on and laugh about. I take comfort in the times of being in the eye of the storm so to speak. There is a calm it creates, an environment to actually be able to feel again, to forget everything that’s going on and just laugh. So that’s what I did.

My mother was by my side through every treatment, surgery, and hospital stay. So needless to say we became very close. I am my mother’s daughter. With that, we tend to have the same warped sense of humor. Well, maybe it just developed out of the chaos that we experienced over the years. I will never forget one hospital stay. It had to of been my second or third round of chemo because I had just shaved my head and it was our first time back since then. I was lying on the hospital bed all hooked up and getting settled in. My mom was getting ready for the day and from the bathroom she yelled, “Tiffany, did you bring any shampoo? I forgot mine!” I said nothing. I was looking at the door ready for her to realize what she was saying. Seconds later she said “oh man!! I forgot my brush too!!Did you bring yours?” Her head popped out from around the door and she just looked at me and said “Did you hear me?” I just stared at her. It finally dawned on her why I had said nothing. Her face dropped and beyond the uncontrollable laughter she says “I am (trying to stifle her laughter) so sorry, I forgot”. I was laughing with her. Her laughter, I think, was just the nervous laughter you get with an uncomfortable situation, mine was more from, I can’t believe it took her 10 minutes to figure out I had no need for shampoo or a hair brush anymore!! 12 years later we still laugh about it because that was the first of many crazy days where all we could do was laugh. I don’t remember anything else about that day. I couldn’t tell you if I started chemo and spent the rest of the day throwing my guts up or spent the day in pain from my leg. But, I remember laughing at my mother for being a little ditsy and having no clue what she was saying to me!

Laughter has this miraculous power to heal. Did that day make my cancer go away? No. Did it take away all my pain? No. But for a moment in time, I forgot I was lying in a hospital bed fighting to live. In life we go through tough times. In a world where science and facts rule, leaving little room for blind faith, I somehow found mine. Thinking back now, I remember crying out to God, asking him to help me get through this or to somehow cure me. I felt nothing. It wasn’t that I blamed God for giving me cancer or anything like that. I just wanted to feel something of what I see so many cling to in times of hardship. I believe now, he gave me laughter. That was my cure. I survived the past 12 years of my life in part by laughing. I made a decision the first few days after being diagnosed, either I was going to make the best of this horrible situation or cry every day after. I didn’t wonder how or why me? I lived in the here and now. This was the hand I was dealt, what now? I began to see that attitude made a world of difference. I definitely had my fair share of hard days, I still cried a lot. I won’t lie it wasn’t always smiles and laughter. I went through my valleys. But through it all I seemed to find a reason to laugh, to make a joke, or smile in the irony of a situation. I mean two knee replacements, fourteen surgeries and chemotherapy treatments do not make my optimal bucket list, but I guess if it did, I could scratch that one off. Check. What’s next?


My Mother with all her Children on Thanksgiving 2010

I need you like I need a cure for cancer

I came across this video and it is such a sweet, sweet gift for a husband to give his wife on her birthday! The guy in the video is battling cancer. One of the tag lines in the video is "I need you like I need a cure for cancer" What a powerful statement!Hope you enjoy this little video and afterwards go hug your husband, wife, kids or really anyone who you love and are so thankful for!!

Ry Cuming- Home

I'm not sure what it is about this song but Wow! LOVE IT! The quality isn't that great but it's the best I could find. Go check him out. He is touring with Maroon 5 some. Enjoy!

Motherhood. It's Not Rocket Science...

 ...Its brain surgery on astronauts during a lunar launch while reciting the declaration of independence backwards- Only with less LOGIC.

(I saw this on a card and thought it was pretty fitting)

So let me break this down for you.

     I survived CANCER. Yes, CANCER.  The most hated 6 letter word any PERSON would ever want to hear, let alone a teenager.  So it’s safe to say I have been through a few hard times in my life.  I have endured humiliation I can’t even admit to writing about! But NOTHING prepares you for motherhood.

Z and I have a very special relationship. I am his step mother, but I feel as though we were lucky because he was so young when his father and I started dating that he doesn’t ever remember a time without me in it. I have always treated him as if he were my own. It wasn’t until I gave birth to his brother I really understood how vast a mother’s love could be. I knew I loved Z so much and when T came along my love for the both of them was something I had never experienced before. Anyone who has had a blended family knows that the transition between two families can be rough. I feel very lucky that we were blessed to have everyone all get along!

Anyway, I was having a light hearted discussion with Z one day about inheriting things from our parents. We were talking about being stubborn and where he got that from. I said he is built a lot like his daddy so he probably got those traits from him! I began to explain how T got his curly hair from me, etc. This conversation went on for about 10 minutes. Anyone who has children probably understands where I’m coming from when I say “I never know if I am getting through to my kids and wonder if they actually understand or care about what it is that I am saying!”  Now I know THEY DO PAY ATTENTION…Sometimes! J

It was about 2 days after the above mentioned conversation when I became aware of the inner workings of Z. We were at a harvest party for Halloween and Z and I were watching T try and pelt bean bags into a bean bag toss. (He was more interested in throwing things then actually getting them into the hole!) Out of the blue Z asks:

 “Will T get cancer?”

I think I stopped breathing for a moment. What made him ask that?

“You said that we inherit things from our parents, so because you had cancer does that mean T will get it eventually?”

Oh my precious baby.  He listens! He really listens! BUT of all the things for him to actually listen to me on why did it have to be that one!? Why did he have to take that conversation farther then what I had intended it to be? T has my curly hair and you unfortunately are stubborn like your daddy! How do you respond to that? I know how he feels though. I asked those same questions to my Oncology doctors as soon as I found out I was pregnant. I was terrified I would bring this little life into the world with a full deck stacked against him. I was 24. How do you explain things to a 10 year old? Like I said, NOTHING prepares you for the questions from a child.

“I hope he doesn’t get cancer.”

I hope he doesn’t either. I can’t be sure. I was told there are no studies saying that childhood cancer survivors have an increased risk of their children getting cancer. So basically, no one really knows. Great! Explain that one to my son and see if that makes him understand a little bit better!

I reassured him that the chances of T getting cancer like I did were very small. He was born very healthy. I said that my doctors have all told me that my cancer isn’t hereditary so he shouldn’t worry. If T gets cancer I’m going to come off as a complete liar. 

So I ask you. Where is the line you draw on the information you give your kids? Do you protect them and keep them sheltered on the real world realities? Or do you give it to them straight, no holds bar? Should you be honest and scare the living crap out of them for the rest of their lives, or just tip toe around and let them figure certain things out on their own?

On the day I had the x-ray that would eventually lead to my diagnosis; we had a message from the doctor’s office for my parents. They told me I had a tumor and it might be cancer but I would have to go see an orthopedic surgeon to be sure. That’s all they said. I specifically remember telling my parents, as the days ahead unfolded, I wanted to know EVERYTHING. I didn’t want it to be sugar coated. I wanted to contribute in the decision making process. I was 15. I didn’t want to be lying on my death bed and just be thinking about daisies and dandelions if I was going to croak at any minute. Seemed like an injustice if I didn’t know what was up ahead for me. So they did. I knew all the deep dark dirty secrets of my journey through cancer. Do I regret it? No. I think at some point you have to realize that kids are smart. They pick up on things. They will eventually ask questions that will force a mother to answer open and honestly. Cancer makes you grow up fast, I get that. I just never prepared myself, or even thought that my kids would have to grow up a just as fast.  

What 10 year old should ever have to be burdened with the thought of their brother getting cancer one day? Well, Mine do.  T adores his big brother and right now is totally oblivious to the worries of the world. His biggest concern is that he gets to play with his hot wheels and “whesel”(wrestle) with his brother. I hope as the years go by the bond they are creating now will be unbreakable.

                I pray every day that T lives a long, full and happy life. I would live my journey through cancer 20 times over if it means he will never have to know this awful disease. I feel so helpless at times. Every bump, bruise or complaint brings me back to that time in my life. In the back of my head there is that “what if?” lingering. I will press on and hope and pray for T and Z. That is all I can do, short of going into a paranoid panic every day.

 I love my two boys with every fiber of my being. I am so thankful for Z and his kind and gentle heart towards his family. He wants nothing more than to be the best big brother ever! I have been so lucky to gain him as a son and be lucky enough to watch him grow up. I hope to continue to be the ear that not only hears but really listens to him. My wish is that when he is old and grown with children of his own, he can say without a doubt that I was always there for him. My little man, T has brought so much joy into our lives! He has been the whirlwind that hasn’t stopped since he was brought home from the hospital. T loves to make everyone around him laugh! I know his outgoing and headstrong personality will be the driving force to help him succeed in this life. I hope to have the wisdom and strength to help shape and mold him into a fine young man!

Motherhood is complex. You have to be so many different things. Fill so many shoes and walk that fine line with love and control on any given day. I hope that my life experiences are enough to succeed at motherhood. My boys depend on it.  For now I will enjoy this ride and relish in the MANY moments that make the title MOTHER worth it!





Boys Rule, Girls...are emotional!

These are my wonderful boys! The oldest I'll refer to as "Z" and the youngest is "T". They are out of control crazy but I love them and wouldn't have it any other way. I think I was meant to raise boys because I kinda like being the queen bee and not having to share being the crazy emotional basket case with anyone! I think we can only handle one of those in this house!! ha.

I was talking to one of my girlfriends one day and T was in the other room playing. As usual, I was having a mommy moment meltdown. T come bursting through the door and down the hallway to where I am sitting.
This kid is so on top of what's going on it makes me a little nervous! What happened to the lets just spell everything out because they can't catch on phase? I was telling someone that it was past T's B.E.D time and you would have thought I was telling him there was no santa! He starts screaming "I don't wanna go to B.E.D.!!
 Anyway, so I am crying in the hallway and T races over to me and gets face to face. He cups my face with his hands and says, " Mama, you upset? Why you upset, Mama? Oh yea, you upset. Why you crying? We no cry, Mama!" How can you not smile at that? All that to say, I <3 them!

Who Says I Can't?

    I recently finished the book Who Says I Can't? by Jothy Rosenberg. He is an Osteosarcoma survivor, like me. What a remarkable story! The fact that he is an amputee, has one lung and is still alive 35 years later to write about it is amazing. He was told he had zero chance of survival. At age 16, he was lying in a hospital bed with one leg and receiving the primitive treatment of chemotherapy. Back in the 70's cancer was, for the most part, a death sentence. 24 years after Jothy was fighting for his life I was living that same nightmare. Even though I have never met Jothy I felt, after reading his book that he got me. He somehow, reached inside the inner depths of my heart and put into words the dark and scary truths of what life really can be like for a teen cancer survivor, living an anything but normal life.

     One of my favorite lines in the book was when Jothy said, " I might have thought I had died and gone to heaven...if I wasn't so happy not to have died." Wow. What a powerful statement. Not sure why that phrase stuck with me. I guess maybe because going though cacner evey milestone seems to be such a great accomplishment. Every step taken is a giant leap. I remember learning how to walk again. Not once but twice! They told me I would only have minimal range of motion in my knee. I would probably never be able to bend it at a 90 degree angle.I surpassed all expectations of my doctor. I now have FULL range of motion only because of the MANY falls that I have taken, I broke the scar tissue they had anticipated preventing my ability to bend my knee. My pride as well as my physical body has taken many falls those first few years of rehabilitation. Taking a nose dive in biology class is not on the top ten things to do as a sophmore that's for sure!

 Check this link out:http://www.facebook.com/#!/Oprah4KidsCancer.      

      The goal is to raise enough awareness so Oprah will do a show on childhood cancer. It’s amazing how fast the page has grown in just a few short weeks. As of now, it is 44,000 strong! When you think of cancer you don’t think of babies or children. Your automatic reaction is maybe breast cancer or lung cancer. If people really saw the actual number of childhood cancers diagnosed every year, I think more would be done to improve research. Right now 3% of all cancer funding goes towards childhood cancer research. That’s it. We are talking the #1 KILLER for childhood diseases and we get 3%. It just doesn’t make sense. This has to change. Too many young lives are lost because of the lack of funding. I am here today because of the ground breaking research that they have done since Jothy was diagnosed. He didn’t have the option to save his leg or try a new limb salvage surgery. They decided for him and even then there were no guarantees. This day in age there are protocols, surgeries, and cycles of chemotherapy. All this is around today because of research. We still need to continue with that research. Just because the survival rate for childhood cancers has gone from 10% to 80% doesn’t mean we stop at the 80%. (There are some cancers whose survival rate isn’t even half this good!) The only way we will increase funds for childhood cancer research is bringing awareness to the issue. Cancer is not for the old and unhealthy.  Brothers, sisters, sons and daughters are fighting to see another birthday. I hope after you read this you will go and check out the “Oprah please do a show on childhood cancer” then “like” it.  Not asking for money just a moment of your time! (Although childhood cancer research could use your money too! But we can just start with baby steps!)

     I feel as though every day I walk that fine line between Who Says I Can't and the common sense to preserve the one good leg I have been blessed to still have! It's a tossup most days. Wake boarding on my 21st birthday I will admit, was NOT a good idea with a prosthetic knee. Good news, I can scratch wake boarding off my bucket list. I so rocked that board before I cashed and burned. Yea, that tune up surgery was not  fun. I guess you live and learn.


If you want to learn more about Jothy Rosenberg check out http://www.whosaysicant.org/