...Its brain surgery on astronauts during a lunar launch while reciting the declaration of independence backwards- Only with less LOGIC.
(I saw this on a card and thought it was pretty fitting)
So let me break this down for you.
I survived CANCER. Yes, CANCER. The most hated 6 letter word any PERSON would ever want to hear, let alone a teenager. So it’s safe to say I have been through a few hard times in my life. I have endured humiliation I can’t even admit to writing about! But NOTHING prepares you for motherhood.
Z and I have a very special relationship. I am his step mother, but I feel as though we were lucky because he was so young when his father and I started dating that he doesn’t ever remember a time without me in it. I have always treated him as if he were my own. It wasn’t until I gave birth to his brother I really understood how vast a mother’s love could be. I knew I loved Z so much and when T came along my love for the both of them was something I had never experienced before. Anyone who has had a blended family knows that the transition between two families can be rough. I feel very lucky that we were blessed to have everyone all get along!
Anyway, I was having a light hearted discussion with Z one day about inheriting things from our parents. We were talking about being stubborn and where he got that from. I said he is built a lot like his daddy so he probably got those traits from him! I began to explain how T got his curly hair from me, etc. This conversation went on for about 10 minutes. Anyone who has children probably understands where I’m coming from when I say “I never know if I am getting through to my kids and wonder if they actually understand or care about what it is that I am saying!” Now I know THEY DO PAY ATTENTION…Sometimes! J
It was about 2 days after the above mentioned conversation when I became aware of the inner workings of Z. We were at a harvest party for Halloween and Z and I were watching T try and pelt bean bags into a bean bag toss. (He was more interested in throwing things then actually getting them into the hole!) Out of the blue Z asks:
“Will T get cancer?”
I think I stopped breathing for a moment. What made him ask that?
“You said that we inherit things from our parents, so because you had cancer does that mean T will get it eventually?”
Oh my precious baby. He listens! He really listens! BUT of all the things for him to actually listen to me on why did it have to be that one!? Why did he have to take that conversation farther then what I had intended it to be? T has my curly hair and you unfortunately are stubborn like your daddy! How do you respond to that? I know how he feels though. I asked those same questions to my Oncology doctors as soon as I found out I was pregnant. I was terrified I would bring this little life into the world with a full deck stacked against him. I was 24. How do you explain things to a 10 year old? Like I said, NOTHING prepares you for the questions from a child.
“I hope he doesn’t get cancer.”
I hope he doesn’t either. I can’t be sure. I was told there are no studies saying that childhood cancer survivors have an increased risk of their children getting cancer. So basically, no one really knows. Great! Explain that one to my son and see if that makes him understand a little bit better!
I reassured him that the chances of T getting cancer like I did were very small. He was born very healthy. I said that my doctors have all told me that my cancer isn’t hereditary so he shouldn’t worry. If T gets cancer I’m going to come off as a complete liar.
So I ask you. Where is the line you draw on the information you give your kids? Do you protect them and keep them sheltered on the real world realities? Or do you give it to them straight, no holds bar? Should you be honest and scare the living crap out of them for the rest of their lives, or just tip toe around and let them figure certain things out on their own?
On the day I had the x-ray that would eventually lead to my diagnosis; we had a message from the doctor’s office for my parents. They told me I had a tumor and it might be cancer but I would have to go see an orthopedic surgeon to be sure. That’s all they said. I specifically remember telling my parents, as the days ahead unfolded, I wanted to know EVERYTHING. I didn’t want it to be sugar coated. I wanted to contribute in the decision making process. I was 15. I didn’t want to be lying on my death bed and just be thinking about daisies and dandelions if I was going to croak at any minute. Seemed like an injustice if I didn’t know what was up ahead for me. So they did. I knew all the deep dark dirty secrets of my journey through cancer. Do I regret it? No. I think at some point you have to realize that kids are smart. They pick up on things. They will eventually ask questions that will force a mother to answer open and honestly. Cancer makes you grow up fast, I get that. I just never prepared myself, or even thought that my kids would have to grow up a just as fast.
What 10 year old should ever have to be burdened with the thought of their brother getting cancer one day? Well, Mine do. T adores his big brother and right now is totally oblivious to the worries of the world. His biggest concern is that he gets to play with his hot wheels and “whesel”(wrestle) with his brother. I hope as the years go by the bond they are creating now will be unbreakable.
I pray every day that T lives a long, full and happy life. I would live my journey through cancer 20 times over if it means he will never have to know this awful disease. I feel so helpless at times. Every bump, bruise or complaint brings me back to that time in my life. In the back of my head there is that “what if?” lingering. I will press on and hope and pray for T and Z. That is all I can do, short of going into a paranoid panic every day.
I love my two boys with every fiber of my being. I am so thankful for Z and his kind and gentle heart towards his family. He wants nothing more than to be the best big brother ever! I have been so lucky to gain him as a son and be lucky enough to watch him grow up. I hope to continue to be the ear that not only hears but really listens to him. My wish is that when he is old and grown with children of his own, he can say without a doubt that I was always there for him. My little man, T has brought so much joy into our lives! He has been the whirlwind that hasn’t stopped since he was brought home from the hospital. T loves to make everyone around him laugh! I know his outgoing and headstrong personality will be the driving force to help him succeed in this life. I hope to have the wisdom and strength to help shape and mold him into a fine young man!
Motherhood is complex. You have to be so many different things. Fill so many shoes and walk that fine line with love and control on any given day. I hope that my life experiences are enough to succeed at motherhood. My boys depend on it. For now I will enjoy this ride and relish in the MANY moments that make the title MOTHER worth it!
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