I have endured more disappointment, fear, hurt and pain then I would wish on anyone. But, during those years of being in the hospital I also experienced love, joy, healing friendship and laughter. Our bodies have this unique power to self-preserve. There are so many memories that I have from that time in my life. Some of those memories are bad, horrible and downright shattering but I have so many that I look back on and laugh about. I take comfort in the times of being in the eye of the storm so to speak. There is a calm it creates, an environment to actually be able to feel again, to forget everything that’s going on and just laugh. So that’s what I did.
My mother was by my side through every treatment, surgery, and hospital stay. So needless to say we became very close. I am my mother’s daughter. With that, we tend to have the same warped sense of humor. Well, maybe it just developed out of the chaos that we experienced over the years. I will never forget one hospital stay. It had to of been my second or third round of chemo because I had just shaved my head and it was our first time back since then. I was lying on the hospital bed all hooked up and getting settled in. My mom was getting ready for the day and from the bathroom she yelled, “Tiffany, did you bring any shampoo? I forgot mine!” I said nothing. I was looking at the door ready for her to realize what she was saying. Seconds later she said “oh man!! I forgot my brush too!!Did you bring yours?” Her head popped out from around the door and she just looked at me and said “Did you hear me?” I just stared at her. It finally dawned on her why I had said nothing. Her face dropped and beyond the uncontrollable laughter she says “I am (trying to stifle her laughter) so sorry, I forgot”. I was laughing with her. Her laughter, I think, was just the nervous laughter you get with an uncomfortable situation, mine was more from, I can’t believe it took her 10 minutes to figure out I had no need for shampoo or a hair brush anymore!! 12 years later we still laugh about it because that was the first of many crazy days where all we could do was laugh. I don’t remember anything else about that day. I couldn’t tell you if I started chemo and spent the rest of the day throwing my guts up or spent the day in pain from my leg. But, I remember laughing at my mother for being a little ditsy and having no clue what she was saying to me!
Laughter has this miraculous power to heal. Did that day make my cancer go away? No. Did it take away all my pain? No. But for a moment in time, I forgot I was lying in a hospital bed fighting to live. In life we go through tough times. In a world where science and facts rule, leaving little room for blind faith, I somehow found mine. Thinking back now, I remember crying out to God, asking him to help me get through this or to somehow cure me. I felt nothing. It wasn’t that I blamed God for giving me cancer or anything like that. I just wanted to feel something of what I see so many cling to in times of hardship. I believe now, he gave me laughter. That was my cure. I survived the past 12 years of my life in part by laughing. I made a decision the first few days after being diagnosed, either I was going to make the best of this horrible situation or cry every day after. I didn’t wonder how or why me? I lived in the here and now. This was the hand I was dealt, what now? I began to see that attitude made a world of difference. I definitely had my fair share of hard days, I still cried a lot. I won’t lie it wasn’t always smiles and laughter. I went through my valleys. But through it all I seemed to find a reason to laugh, to make a joke, or smile in the irony of a situation. I mean two knee replacements, fourteen surgeries and chemotherapy treatments do not make my optimal bucket list, but I guess if it did, I could scratch that one off. Check. What’s next?
My Mother with all her Children on Thanksgiving 2010
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