You Calm My Raging Sea

Even in the darkest of nights you are never alone.

The song You Are for Me by Kari Jobe played a lot on my itouch while in the hospital.  The lyrics read like this:

"So faithful, so constant. You fill me. You see me. You know my every move. You love for me to sing to you. I know that you are for me, I know that you are for me, I know that you are for me, I know that you will never forsake me in my weaknesses. I know you have come down, even if to write upon my heart, to remind me who you are.

You hold my every moment, you calm my raging sea. You walk with me through fire and heal all my disease.

I believe you are my healer. I believe you are all I need. I believe you are my portion. I believe you are my fortress. I believe you are more than enough for me. Jesus, you are all I need.

I trust in you.

I trust in you.

Nothing is impossible through you. You hold my world in your hand. "

What powerful words. You hold my every moment. You calm my raging sea. I have had a few raging seas in my life. It amazes people when I tell them my “story”. I have spent almost half my life in and out of hospitals for one reason or another; Main reason being to save this worn out, scarred, broken leg of mine. 

No matter how much pain, sacrifice and renewal that my limb endures I still have this inner desire to save it. I am attached. We go 27 years back. It’s hard to let go and say ok enough is enough. I long to see the wounds healed and the scars disappear; Physically and emotionally.  15 surgeries and 3 knee replacements later and I am still looking to the future to make this limb work as long as possible. 

 Why?

 I would go through fire to try to heal all my disease.  I have had to learn to walk more times than I can count.What keeps me coming back?

I can’t answer that. I want so desperately to just walk.

Walk without a limp.

Walk without pain shooting down my leg at any given moment.

 Walk without the fear of my knee giving way and come tumbling down.

These aren’t big requests. It seems unfair at times to have to bare this burden.

But then who decides what is fair? What is just?

This worn out, tired, scarred, broken limb of mine tells a story; My Story. Whatever is just or whatever is fair doesn’t matter because I live and am alive to tell MY story. Every breathe I take should be a reminder that whatever burden I have to bare is nothing compared to the burden Christ bore for us and our sins.  I trust in you.

I know that you are for me, I know that you will never forsake me in my weaknesses. I know you have come down, even if to write upon my heart, to remind me who you are.

You hold my every moment you calm my raging sea. You walk with me through fire and heal all my disease.

I feel I am meant to tell MY story, to tell HIS story, and to tell that if it wasn’t for HIS story, I wouldn’t have a story to tell. You are my healer; whatever form that takes, I see now being healed doesn’t always mean taking away the broken, scarred and worn out in your life. It sometimes means giving you the strength to know you are for me, and you will get me through it.

Fall is here!

I know I have been seriously slacking on my writing! Not sure if it is just life getting in the way or feeling like I have nothing profound to say. Either way I have LOTs to write about now so stay tuned and please stay with me because I will be posting lots of new thoughts, feelings, struggles and everything in between in the coming weeks. This blog has been such an outlet for me and I feel so blessed that people have actually taken the time to read what I have to say. We broke 3,000 views! That surpassed any expectations I had for this little corner of my world to write.

Fall is here and in Texas that doesn't mean much for the heat except getting a few days here and there where you can actually wear a long sleeve shirt! I DO LOVE FALL when the leaves finally start to fall and the cooler weather does start to come and on the plus side...I have WAY more fall clothes then summer! :-) 

Keep checking back. I am here. I am writing. I am surviving.

Till There Is A Cure,

-Tiffany

iHope

The Bridge all the kids helped build.
Each plank represents a child affected by cancer
at this camp. Every year they will walk across this
bridge to get to camp. Such a neat idea!

 “This is Camp Awesome!” … “I never want to leave!”… “Can we stay forever?”

I heard this all week long.

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better then yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. “-Philippians 2:3-4

This verse was talked about at church the Sunday after I got back from camp. I thought it was a fitting end to my week.

 I packed up and headed almost 3 hours away for a week.  This would be the longest I have left my little man so it was bitter sweet for me. This summer I volunteered to be a counselor for a camp in the Dallas area. This camp was filled with children ages 7-16. I was lead counselor for 11 energetic girls, between the ages of 9 and 11!  Camp had the usual crazy songs, pranks, cool arts and crafts, etc. Only difference… These kids had all dealt with a cancer diagnosis.  This camp was for kids who have cancer or had gone through treatment already. They were able to invite 2 siblings from their family as well.  Most camps that are for kids who have cancer don’t allow the siblings to attend. This year things were different.

Co-Counselors and ex-campers

Siblings of cancer patients have their own battles and struggles to deal with.  Time is taken away from the healthy children and all energy is usually given the child that is sick. This can leave the sibling feeling alone and neglected. Resentment starts to set in. Mixed emotions consume and it is not uncommon for behavior problems to start with the siblings of a cancer patient. This camp wanted to include and celebrate ALL children affected by cancer; Children going through cancer and those innocently watching their brother or sister fight for their lives. It’s a fight for both, but most of the time the sibling develops wounds that are hard to repair. This camp is making the change.

 Cancer can take away a lot of things but it can never take away your hope. I think it was very fitting that the name that the campers voted on this year was Camp iHope. Hope is something these families know all too well. Hope for a quick recovery, Hope for a clean bill of health, Hope for a better tomorrow. One of the wishes a camper revealed at closing ceremonies was, “I hope to live long enough to just be.” HOPE.  We all can relate to that word, but for a child going through cancer, that word is everything. This camp IS everything to some of these kids. Some will be back again next year for another fun filled week of games, pranks, swimming and laughs, but the heartbreaking reality is that others won’t be returning. This part of camp is the hardest. Another angel will earn their wings and forever be remembered in the lives that they have touched. It’s not fair and is never easy to explain why another camper Isn’t here this year but, in the world of cancer, it is our reality.



Ransom note the girls gave another
cabin.



For one week these kids get to be just normal kids. There are no tears; there are no hospitals, just pure innocent fun! The girls spent the week making new friends, talking about what pranks they were going to pull on the boys, playing mad libs, swimming and learning that we all have something to learn from one another.  “Birds of a feather.”  That is the quote on one of the posters in our cabin for the week.  We dubbed ourselves the Flamingos! Our motto was that even though we are all different and unique in our own way, we all have something in common. We all can learn from each other. The girls loved it. Covered in feathers and glitter we proudly placed the poster by the door.  These girls took that motto to heart and around every corner I saw how these girls came together and took care of each other. At camp, you don’t have to explain anything. People just know. I found a quote by C.S. Lewis and we had it on poster board in our cabin. It read, “Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: “What! You too? I thought I was the only one.” That describes camp. You swap chemo stories, drug side effects and proudly display scars. You talk about anything and everything. Most of the time, it doesn’t involve the word CANCER. Looking around the cafeteria it is hard to pick out those who have a cancer diagnosis. These are just kids desperately wanting to just be.  This week of camp was such an amazing time! I was truly happy and felt I was making a difference not only in my own life, but in the lives of these girls. As an ex-camper, I was able to relate to most and the struggles they have and will continue to face with survivorship.  Beating cancer isn’t the end of the battle. While cancer doesn’t define who I am, it is a part of my life. There are scars left, emotionally and physically, that remind me every day of what I survived and what I continue to survive. 

 Such a fun time
 getting to wear a different costume
every day!

We started the week with an “Attitude of Gratitude”. As counselors, we were there to serve them as campers. This camp was ALL about them. We were there with a servant’s heart to give a week of our lives to touch these kids. By the end of the week these kids were teaching us life lessons, I won’t soon forget.

Closing ceremonies was bitter sweet. It always is. When I was a camper many years ago, it marked the end to our fantasy world and back to reality. It is an emotional time for these kids. They had a week filled with HOPE. Hope that life didn’t have to be different for them all the time. Hope that they were not alone. Hope that amidst pain and sorrow; Joy and laughter can still exist. 



Check. What's next?

 

This camp brings so many children together and creates HOPE.  I am so thankful I was able to be a part of this wonderful place for these children to come and just BE.  It not only changed my life as a child, but even into adulthood I am still affected by one week with so many amazing people!



Foundation

Where did May and June go??! So much going on and lots to write about! I have been working on several blogs over the past few months but haven't been able to finish them! Between work and the boys life has been a bit busy! Never fear I am still here and writing just haven't been able to post quite as much as I would like!

I just got back from camp this last week. What an AMAZING week of laughter, fun and reflection! I was a counselor at a camp for kids who have had a cancer diagnosis and their siblings. That is a long blog post I have been working on the past few days, so stay tuned for that one! Good stuff.  Other then that, life has been filled with work and my boys!

It blows me away how fast these boys are growing up! Every day I spend with them brings new revelations. It's so good to hear things coming out of their mouths that I know I have taught them. They are learning so much and every day brings new challenges but I know that I am on the right path. I want them to have a firm foundation. Life brings all kinds of storms. The roads can be bumpy or smooth but whatever that path may be as long as your foundation is firm you can survive almost anything. I hope the foundation I am starting for them will continue to be strong and their faith in the Lord will guide them along the way. One of the kids at camp had one wish at closing ceremonies. "I hope I live long enough to just be." Breaks my heart to know that wish is a lot of these kids reality. It was my reality. I have been blessed with healthy and happy children. They know nothing of what it is like to suffer. I pray every day that all the pain and suffering I went through as a child would be enough for our family. Each day is a new day to make a difference.

 

“A hundred years from now it will not matter what my bank account was, the sort of house I lived in, or the kind of car I drove...but the world may be different because I was important in the life of a child.”- Forest E. Witcraft

I love this quote. Sometimes we lose sight of what is important. I spent a week with children who just wanted to "BE". What a reality check! I'll leave you with this verse I found and figured it fit pretty well with what was on my heart today.
"The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock." Mathew 7:25

How is your foundation doing?

Trading My Sorrows

I know I have been slacking on my blog. So much is going on I feel like I haven't had time to just sit and have my own thoughts! We just bought our first home so the past two months have been filled with loan applications, packing, moving, unpacking and getting things settled! Whew! Makes me tired just thinking about it! My leg is paying for it that's for sure! Seems I can't stay off it long enough to get the swelling to stay down. Now that things are slowing down for a little bit maybe the increased pain will start to die down. I hope! Every night my leg aches. :-( I guess this is the price I pay to have my replacement. I often wonder what my life would have been like if I had it amputated. I know that’s a weird thought to have, but there was a time during my rehabilitation, I would have welcomed an amputation, the pain was so bad. I am so thankful my parents didn’t listen to the cries of a delusional 15 year old.  I am so thankful to have my leg still functional and not have to worry about a whole new set of problems, but there are bad days that have me discouraged and frustrated with the limitations.

 These past few days have been rough. I have been going non-stop with the move, work and chasing a 3 year old around. This morning was tough because T wanted me to carry him into school. This is something I normally do every morning. It’s hard, but I just deal long enough to make that long trek to his class and give him hugs and kisses goodbye for the day. This morning was a different story. My leg has really been aching and almost to the point of not being able to walk. I need to take a day to just let it elevate but no such luck with my busy schedule! So, T and I are making our way into school and he is desperately crying wanting me to hold him. He’s yelling, “Hold you, Mama, hold you!” My heart hurts almost as much as my leg at this point. How do you explain to a 3 year old that you can’t physically do what they are asking? I kept telling him no and walked with him at and around my feet the whole way in, almost tripping a few times. At one point I say, “My leg is hurting, honey, I can’t hold you!” He proceeds to tell me, “No, my leg hurts mama! You hold me!” These are the days that make being a mom challenging for me. He is growing up and at the stage of almost being too big for me to scoop up or chase after if he is trying to get away. I love being a mother. I feel that I was made to be T’s mother but how can I be the best mother I can be if I feel so broken? The older he gets more active he will become and I am so scared of the day he really understand how limited I am.

As thankful as I am, I wonder what life would be like with two able legs instead of one. Is this horrible thing to wonder? The double amputee may say I’d kill for one good leg, the amputee may say the same about the knee replacement, and so on. I know I am blessed beyond measure, but I think I am allowed a few bad days every now and then, right? God has blessed my life in so many ways. I trust he will get me through my “rough” days and keep pressing on! When I was in treatment the worship leader at our church gave me a Darrell Evans cd. One Sunday he sang the song, Trading My Sorrows, for me. This song came to mind today.

I'm trading my sorrow
I'm trading my shame
I'm laying it down for the joy of the Lord

I'm trading my sickness
I'm trading my pain
I'm laying it down for the joy of the Lord

Chorus:
And we say yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord
Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord
Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord Amen

I'm pressed but not crushed persecuted not abandoned
Struck down but not destroyed
I'm blessed beyond the curse for his promise will endure
And his joy's gonna be my strength

Though the sorrow may last for the night
His joy comes with the morning

 Tomorrow is another day and a very important day at that! I will wake up and go about my day just like anyone else, except, with a lil swagger!

The Time is Now!

Well, the time has finally come!!! Race day is tomorrow!! I can not believe time has gone by this fast. I have been training steadily and feel comfort in knowing that God is with me every step of the way and helping me in this new journey. I will bike 13 miles in Beauty and the Beast tomorrow starting at 9am. This has been a physical and emotional challenge for me personally. I have pushed myself farther and harder in more ways then I had imagined. I feel this is just the beginning.

I am nervous, scared and excited all at the same time. I hope I have prepared enough yet, still wonder what the race holds for me tomorrow. Life seems to be the same way. We have days where we are strong and confident then others where we have doubts and insecurities about our abilities. We don't know what the future holds but all we can do is prepare and lay our future in God's hands. When I started my fight against cancer my first words were " This is a test, I will pass. I will run my race, and win." That phrase holds true to so many areas of my life. I have passed the test of cancer, I have won that race. This life has so many tests, bumps and curves in the road. If we give up at the first curve that is thrown at us how will we ever reach the wonders and beauty of what lies around that bend? I am not saying it is easy, or it won't be hard, but it is life. We are here for the long haul. Persevering through those trying races and coming out being stronger and more confident will reap rewards. I have had many races in my life, each one, weather it's physically, mentally, or spiritually, I have persevered. Some have taken me longer then others, and some were a piece of cake. I will add this race to my collection. Whatever  this life brings I feel I am ready and willing to take it on! In every situation ask yourself, "This is a test, I will pass. I prepared and have God on my side.I will run this race and win!"

I will keep every one posted with pictures and the outcome of tomorrows big race! Thanks for letting me share my life in the new journey I am taking.

Vanessa, I remember.

Being 15 is rough on a good day.

Having CANCER is grueling all on its own.

We needed each other like we needed a cure for cancer. Not only were we at a rough age but we were fighting to survive as well.  My life was forever changed by Vanessa, many years have passed and while some might have moved on and forgotten; I will never forget. This is her story.

Vanessa was 15 and loved soccer as much as I loved running. So when she started complaining of back pain it was easy for everyone to just assume it was a muscle strain or from working out too hard. If it had not been for the persistence and mother’s intuition she probably would not have caught the tumor that was wrapped around her spine at all. She was diagnosed with a sarcoma about a month prior to mine.

I will never forget the first time I met Vanessa at the hospital. The doctors loved to introduce all the teenagers and try and encourage a newly diagnosed patient with someone who “knows the ropes”. Vanessa came bouncing into my room, #610. I loved this room. It had a wall of windows and was a corner room. I guess if you had to spend weeks on end in the hospital THIS would be the room you would want to be stuck in! We started with the usual small talk and quickly found we had similar interests. During the course of the conversation she was telling me about her protocol and how things were going with her treatment, all I could think about was her long beautiful hair. I began to think of my own locks and decided I just had to know. So I asked, “Um, when do you lose your hair?” Without missing a beat Vanessa whips off her wig, with a big smile on her face she says, “I already did!” I had no idea and she was quite proud I hadn’t noticed! We laughed about that day for months.

Crazy how small the world is, really. I wouldn’t find out till I am sitting at her bedside a year or so later that we actually had a mutual childhood friend. 7 years prior, Vanessa and I had crossed paths at my friend’s house next door. Who knew that after playing Barbie’s together that day we would eventually be laying in a hospital bed side by side fighting for our lives.

We only knew each other for a short time but we will forever be connected. She was my best friend and the only person at that time that knew exactly what I was feeling. We were both 15, we lived for sports and all we wanted was to be able to get our driver’s license. I remember her being so mad at me because I was turning 16 before her!  We would sit and talk for hours while in the hospital. We were partners in crime and I actually started looking forward to the trips to the hospital if I knew we were on the same treatment that week.

When Vanessa’s cancer came back, it was like a ton of bricks were laid across my shoulders. How was this happening? We were supposed to be beat this thing together! How could we do that when I was getting better and Vanessa was on a steady decline? My heart ached for my friend.  Her tumors were infesting her body faster than her shot immune system could fight them off. The doctors tried everything. It just was too late and too strong. I remember when they informed me she was going to be on hospice, my heart hurt because I knew what that meant.

The day my parents came and picked me up from school early, I knew something was wrong. They told me that Vanessa was not doing so well and we needed to go see her. We had to hurry, she was holding on for me they said. I was the one who was supposed to tell her it was ok to go.  That we will all be ok, she doesn’t have to be strong anymore. “NO, it’s not ok to go! I don’t want you to go! I need my partner in crime! You can’t leave me here to fight this alone!” This is what my heart cried out to say, but the words never left my mouth. I watched her breathing; slowly in and out. I sat there in silence for a while. It was just her and I with so many things I wanted to say.  The lifeless body lying before me was not the vibrate Vanessa I had come to know. I was too young to have to deal with this! She was too young to have to die! So, I took a deep breath and just started talking. I told her things I had never told anyone before. I let her know that she was truly loved and that her family was going to miss her but that it was ok to stop fighting. She had fought the good fight and now it was time to rest.  I told her I would see her again and I promised to beat this cancer for her. I cried and said my last goodbye and walked out of the room.  Vanessa died just a few hours later. I miss her so much and some days the survivor’s guilt overwhelms me. I wonder what her life would have been like had she survived. Would she be married and having babies by now? Would our kids have grown up together? I know you shouldn’t play the “what if” game but it is hard not to wonder. 

Her funeral was one of the hardest days of my life.  I had never really lost a friend like that before. I was dealing with my own demons of life, death and everything in between. Not only was I coming to grips with the loss but also the reality that this disease might actually kill me too. I would watch 4 more friends be buried over the next years.  With each one the memories of the last would come flooding back.  Something you never quite recover from.

I still think of Vanessa often. My son started soccer this year and she is never far from my mind as I watch him play. She would be proud. Her short life touched so many. With my 12 year anniversary of being cancer free approaching, I have been thinking back on my journey to bring me to where I am today.  I miss you Vanessa! I hope these words are not forgotten and you live on even after I am too old to write of how amazing you truly were. 

It's raining, it's pouring, It's Snowing in Texas?



Sledding Texas Style- Pulled by a Lawnmower!

 You know the how the saying goes "If you don't like the weather in Texas, just wait a while, it'll change!"

That saying could not be more true then this winter! We enjoyed 70 degree days just a week ago and now, anywhere from 2" -8" of snow in some places! T has been so lucky to enjoy two winters in a row with snow. Growing up they were few and far between. I do remember one big snow storm. I had just started recovering from one of my knee surgeries and we had one crazy out of the blue snow storm! It snowed and the whole town shut down! No school. So, what did my brothers and sisters decided to do? Sled of course! We had a huge hill on the side of our house and was perfect for sledding!

 I credit most of the mobility in my knee today from  that adventure! I broke up so much scar tissue from trying to keep up with everyone! I was not going to let a bum knee hold me back. I paid for it in the days that followed, but it was worth every minute. I remember that day bringing so much joy in the midst of chaos. One of the many fond memories I have of that time in my life. Those were some of the hardest years I have ever faced, but it was the moments, like sledding, that I truly will never forget.


This winter I was able to enjoy, pain free, sledding and playing in the snow with my son, T. Seeing the joy on his face reminded me, not of the difficulties I endured so many years ago, but of the laughter and happiness I shared with my brothers and sisters in spite of fighting for my life.

Sometimes I lose sight of those small every day moments in life. Today was a great day and I am so blessed and thankful for these moments I have to share with my son. He is growing up so fast and my heart is overjoyed that I am able to be his mother. It is a responsibility I take great pride in. Hope everyone takes a few moments to "enjoy" their kids. Life goes by in a flash and these are the moments worth taking the time to enjoy. It's worth the investment.<3

The Mayonnaise Jar and Two Cups of Coffee

I have heard this before and can't really find the true author of it but it is a great story and reminder about what is truly important. I found this post on another blog and thought I would share.Check out her blog if you get a chance http://prayeatlovelaugh.blogspot.com/2011/01/when-life-seems-overwhelming.html Enjoy!

 

The Mayonnaise Jar and Two Cups of Coffee

When things in your lives seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things--your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions--and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.

The sand is everything else--the small stuff. "If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first--the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked.

It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

Attitude

     "The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude,to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. it will make or break a company..a church.. a home. The remarkable things is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past..we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. i am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me ad 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you.. we are in charge of our attitudes."
-Charles R. Swindoll

I came across this quote today. It could not have come at a better time! Just when I needed a little reality check. Swindoll is right, Attitude makes a world of difference. Sometimes we get caught up in life. We are consumed with our own little world. I know as I get older that the days seem to be going by quicker then they did when I was in 5th grade and waiting on that 3pm school bell to ring. Talk about F-O-R-E-V-E-R! So much has changed since those days and I wonder what my life would have been like if I hadn't gotten sick. I wonder where I would be or what I would be doing if August 24, 1998 hadn't happened. I think about my boys and am reminded that I am right where I was always meant to be. Life is never easy. No matter what the struggles you have to face in your lifetime, attitude can make you or break you. Reading this quote made me realize that I have lost site of my positive attitude. I made it through cancer! You would think I wouldn't sweat the small stuff. But I am human and I do. I think I will make this my new year's resolution. A little late, but hey...most people have given up on their resolutions by now! So I guess better late then never, right? :-) 

I WILL LOOK FOR THE GOOD IN ANY GIVEN SITUATION.

I am sure typing this will probably be the easiest thing about this resolution. But I will give it a try! I challenge you to do the same.

Life is full of tests...I aim to pass.